In between too many worlds

It seems as though I often find myself saying this to myself. Here I am in beautiful, colorful, historical, spiritual India and yet as of right this moment, I just want to go to the place where my feet will be standing for the next period of time. Nothing is ever definite in my life. No place is ever permanent. Familiar faces are never lastingly remaining. In the past 5 years I haven’t lived in one location for more than 4 months (minus my year in Hawaii where I still traveled every few months). I lived in 10 different rooms, not to mention all the floors I have crashed on. I’ve lived in Los Angeles, on a small island, in India and traversed across the globe. My heart was deeply broken in the City of Angels only to be repaired and filled anew by the grace of God in Hawaii where I truly learned how to love. India has made me grow up.
The only consistent thing in my life is God. In the past few days God has really been allowing me to fall deeper in love with him. I’m realizing that there isn’t really any place, or people I belong with, except for with God. I say that a lot in my life, but there has been deeper meaning lately. I was reading poems by Rabindrath Tagore the other day while sitting in the oven of a auto rickshaw (because it is so hot, it literally feels like I am looking in an oven as I drive through town and hot air blows in my face) on my way to a coffee shop to do homework. They were all love poems, and I can’t really say that there is any guy I could dream about to go along with these love poems. But these poems about love somehow drew me closer to God, allowing me to fall deeper in love with him.
God is so good. Although I am in between so many worlds, I am in God’s world, and it is the only place to be.

beautiful creation

Today instead of celebrating with Razia the birth of her new baby, Rita, Elsie and I comforted her as she lay in the corner of her cement house. On a blanket with her head rested on some wadded up clothes as a pillow she lay crying. As the tears rolled down her cheek she told us that her husband told her to leave or he will leave. He threatens to throw the baby out. She fears what her life will look like. When will it be that he returns home? He didn’t even look at the child after she gave birth, all because she gave birth to a girl. What God intended to be a glorious and celebratory moment, Satan has turned to misery, grief, and pain. Carrying a baby for 9 months, going through the agony of child labor all to be rejected by her husband.
A system of evil entwined in such a beautiful culture. The prize of a boy child and the burden of a girl child is still the reality that families across India face. The birth of a girl means debt, a dowry fee that needs to be paid for the girl to one day be married off and lost to another family. The birth of a boy means carrying on the family name, someone to care for and provide for the parents once they are old. A boy child brings in money as the girl pays the dowry. He is a blank check.
We comforted Razia, we told her that her daughter is a very special gift from God to her, created uniquely and perfectly. This beautiful little infant is a masterpiece of God’s hand, not a mistake. She is blessed to be able to conceive and give birth to a healthy little girl. We prayed with her and asked God to bless this child, for her husband to see how wonderful this baby girl is.
Oh Lord God, mighty and great king, sovereign over all the earth, we praise you. You are the author and illustrator of all our lives. We know that this baby was not a mistake, how could something so unique and perfect be a mistake. Oh Jesus, transform the hearts of the individuals still believing that girls are not important. Transform their hearts to see the beautiful creation as you have made her. Send your angels to fight against the system of evil that entangles and ensnares so many individuals and blinds them from beauty. Lord Jesus, bless this little girl, protect her as she grows, we commit her into your hands and trust in you. We love you. Amen.

silence.

Some days in India can be too much. Too much pollution. Too much poverty. Too much disparity between the rich and the poor. Too much pain in the eyes you look into as you pass people by in the auto rickshaw. The intensity and hardship that is expressed in a man’s eyes as he carries a heavy load on the back of his wagon bicycle. The desperation in a begging woman’s eyes wearing a sari clumsily wrapped around her body. It looks as though it is her only piece of clothing and she’s been wearing it for years. Religious clashes that have heightened and killed two policemen. Too much begging. Things that money can’t solve. Too many emotions are expressed on the crowded busy streets of Hyderabad. The temperature is too high. Above the hundreds. Sometimes it is too much for my sensitive spirit that wants to heal all people and create a world that lives in harmony.

On another note, I just returned from a week long adventure in Kerala. Kerala is a state on the south western tip of India. It is known as “God’s own country”. It is a tropical climate. Your eyes cannot possibly scan the horizon without seeing a dozen palm trees. Every kind of tropical tasty fruit grows in Kerala. Papaya, Mango, Coconut, at least 5 different kinds of Bananas, bell fruit, passion fruit, you name it, they have it. Although Hughie, Sara and I spent half of each of our first 4 days in Kerala on buses, trains, or boats traveling, it was a relaxing, amazing time. We enjoyed singing along to Hughie playing the guitar of Ukulele as we sped through the jungle on a rusty bus with no glass in its windows. One town we visited was a mountain town full of spice and tea estates. Breathing fresh crisp air was so relaxing to my soul. It was such a good time to get away from the hustle and bustle of crazy Hyderabad and relax in “God’s own country”. I had so much time to evaluate my time here, deeply think about all the things God has taught me in the past 4 months and pray and seek for what my next step after college should be.

As I have been in India I have been reading iGracias! by Henry Nouwen. He has spoke such truth into my life and it is as though he wrote about my exact thoughts years before I ever dreamed of coming to India. Although his experiences were among the poor of Latin America, his writing relates exactly to what I have been experiencing in India. Today I read about his experience visiting the valley of Incas.

“Along the road small groups of Indians guiding cattle carried their loads of wood. These small, dark people with faces carved by nature and hard work evoked in me a sense of the sacred. In their silence, they spoke of centuries of care for the land, of a mysterious intimacy with nature, of an unceasing prayer to the God who has made their land fertile, and of a knowledge that we in our Volkswagen would never be able to grasp. The valley was filled with a holy silence; no advertisements along the roads, no factories or modern houses, no loudspeakers or shouting vendors. …When we came back to Cuzco I felt refreshed, renewed and grateful to the Indian people for this healing gift of silence”.

This sums up my experience of Kumali.

Dad in India

My dad was here in India for the past two weeks. He left last night to go to China where he will get to see my brother Robb. The day after he arrived we headed up to Rajasthan to visit the desert town of Jaisalmer. We got to see the beautiful fort, which he really loved. I just love that town. It's so secluded and out in the middle of no where. As we traveled, my dad loved meeting the people on the trains, in the rickshaws and on planes. He had so many questions for everyone as he tried to get a grasp of this new country. We met some men on the train who shared their dinner with us, which was a fun Indian experience :) In Jaipur He got to meet my host family. We stayed in a nice hotel and I read most of the day. We had a great home cooked meal by Mummyji. It was so nice to just relax! I enjoyed having him in Hyderabad. He was in meetings a lot of the time, and I was busy working, but we were able to share some evenings together. It was SOO nice to have some home cooked meals in the flat he was staying in. Pasta, tacos, coffee, the wonders of having your own kitchen :) It was a nice break from rice and curry. He came and visited my work in the slums.

He loved playing with the kids. One day he bought pizza for the kids I tutor. I think it was their first experience eating pizza. It was one girl's first time drinking "cold drinks", which was such a funny experience. She drank pepsi, but wasn't used to the carbination so kept making the funniest face.

It was so nice to have him here. This was my second time traveling with just me and my dad. I hope there are many more to come! And hopefully Mom will join in on some traveling as well :) Although we did have lots of fun shopping for mom :)

freedom

I've started reading other people's blogs and it's inspired me. I've also found that I have stopped writing, and maybe that's why I haven't felt so much passion lately. Usually writing about my experiences and what I see stirs the life up in me and causes me to want change to take place.

This past few weeks I have been irritated by all the rules I have to follow; texting my supervisor before I leave campus, asking for permission to go across town, not being able to go by myself, with out a boy in the group, girls have to be back by 9 PM, or take an expensive taxi, there must be two girls to every boy whenever going out, can't talk to a guy for more than two minutes. I've felt so confined, and like a caged bird. I just wanted to get out and fly.

(taken in Younan Province, 2006)

I've been having a rough time getting out of bed in the morning for my quiet time. The snooze button keeps getting pushed and sleep keeps conquering the slight desire i have to get up and spend time with God. So this morning I put my alarm clock across the room and forced myself to get up at 6AM to meet God on the roof. I got up there and was so happy to be in the cool overcast morning, which I know will only last until 8. As I just poured out my heart to God, I began to look for verses and passages that talk about freedom. I wanted to be reminded of the freedom I have in Christ. So I came across 2 Corinthians which talks about the Glory of the New Testament. I wasn't so hooked on it, and didn't look so deep into the passage, but one verse stuck out like a soar thumb.

"Whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away"

I know this has to do with Moses and the veil he wore so that the Israelites wouldn't see the bright radiance , but it reminded me of a prayer I prayed all the time while I was in Rajasthan. It was that the spiritual and physical veil of the women of Rajasthan would be removed as people come to know Christ. That the veil which covered the Marwari people, and kept them from seeing the beauty of Christ would fall, and his glory would appear.

(Krishnanagar village, Rajasthan, 2009)

As I was reminded to pray for the Marwari women, I realized that I have SOOOOO much freedom compared to them, and that I am a free bird flying across the sky, landing in whichever land I find enticing and am able to enjoy that land.

(Kathmandu, Nepal 2007)

I'm so thankful for the word of God, that each day is new, the pain of yesterday, the laziness of yesterday, the bad attitude of yesterday doesn't have to stick with me to today, that I have been made anew and alive in Christ today.

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

-Solomon

It's the small things that count

Pluck this little flower and take it, delay not! I fear lest it droop and drop into the dust.

I may not find a place in thy garland, but honour it with a touch of pain from thy hand and pluck it. I fear lest the day end before I am aware, and the time of offering go by.

Though its colour be not deep and its smell be faint, use this flower in thy service and pluck it while there is time.

Rabindranath Tagore

Beautiful day. It's a choice.

Life is a journey,
Not a destination,
There are no mistakes,
Just chances we've taken
Lay down your regrets cause
all we have is now

Wake up in the morning
And get out of bed
Start making a mental list in my head
Of all of the things that I am grateful for

Early in the morning
it's the dawn of a new day
New hopes new dreams new ways
I open up my eyes and
I open up my mind and
I wonder how life will surprise me today
Early in the morning
it's the dawn of a new day
New hopes new dreams new ways
I open up my heart and
I'm gon’ do my part and
Make this a positively beautiful day

Life is a challenge not a competition
You can still smell the roses
and be on a mission
Just take a moment to get in
touch with your heart
Sometimes you feel like
you've got something to prove
Remind yourself that there's only one you
Just take a moment to give
thanks of who you are

Let’s make this a wonderful
Let’s make this a powerful
Let’s make this a Beautiful Day
it's a Beautiful Day

"Beautiful Day" India Arie

Just Pray.

It’s not so difficult. It’s really not complicated. You just pray.

Why is it that I’ve been able to submit some things to Christ, but tightly hold on to others? I just met with my research assistant and went over my questions that I will use to interview people about their growing up discriminated against because of their caste. At the end she prayed for me. She committed everything to God. My paper, what I write, who I interview, everything. She prayed this prayer with such sincerity, really relying on God to guide me. During the prayer she recited Psalms 121 which begins with “I look to the mountains-does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!” It gave me such peace to know that during this time of research and school I simply need to call upon God to give me strength. And he REALLY does care about my research, each word I type, everything.

He says: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

He tells us to not doubt “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:6

I don’t think I mean a lot of the prayers I really pray. I don’t think God will really answer them, that’s why I pray them every day. Haha. If I just prayed them with such sincerity of heart, I’m sure I wouldn’t spend so much time on the same prayers-for years. I would expand my concerns to things far greater than me.

My team was talking about a conference/meeting they have in the north where everyone gathers with the sick. People travel so far with their animals to have them prayed over so they will be healed. It sounds funny at first, to pray for your cow to be healed. But when you think about it, if you have no money to buy a new cow, if you have no way of replacing the cow, you will do ANYTHING to have that cow healed-you depend on God, because God is the only one who can do something. I was thinking about if I was in that situation I would simply buy a new cow, or a tractor for that matter. I wouldn’t ask God to heal it. I might not even think of it. Maybe I would pray, but in the back of my mind I would be thinking about how I could just buy another one.
I am gaining confidence in the prayers I pray, I’m learning to back my prayers up with sincere faith. It’s hard removing the world from my heart, but I’m trying to do that, and allow faith in Jesus to fill that spot.

life is wild.

Yesterday night I attended the graduation for the 10th grade class of the Good Shepherd High School, along with the Teachers Training program which sends teachers out into the Good Shepherd schools. I watched as one graduate cried on her mother’s shoulder. I’m sure her tears weren’t saying “Thank you it’s finally over!” as mine would have said, but I imagine her tears were saying “Thank you God for educating me, for caring enough about me to allow me to carve a future for myself that is different than the rest of the women of my village”

At school the children all look so nice in their uniforms, and like they could come from the nicest of homes. But really most of these kids come from little shacks, homes built of pipes, or an orphanage. Most of the members of their families are illiterate and work hard labored jobs. God has placed this school in this community so that these specific children can get an education. One of the speakers asked the graduates who would pursue a career that would allow them to give back to their community of the Dalits. Each one of the students stood up. These kids know the blessing of their education and will not take advantage of it.

I often times find myself telling people back in the US that life is just life here, nothing special or different, just a daily routine. One day after saying this I had a prayer meeting with my team. I don’t know how I ever thought that life here was nothing special. As I dug into prayer I realized the heaviness and seriousness of my life. I’m in the midst of people who are tormented by spiritual warfare, with witchcraft being done on them, evil spirits invading their lives. God has chosen ME to be HERE. It really could be seen as mundane and an everyday task, anyone can think that about their life, but anyone can also see each day as the wildest day ever. I’m thankful that God has revealed this to me.

Life is wild, no matter where you live and what you do. Many of us have the opportunity to breathe, to embrace the sunshine, to laugh, sing, rejoice and praise God. Let’s do that today.

God is good.

I began my 24th year in life by a grand adventure into Bharat (India). After many hours, maybe days, I don't even know how long it took, I arrived. Barely able to keep my eyelids open, I waited at the airport for an hour to be picked up. I shamefully walked back and forth through the line of drivers holding signs for the strangers they were to pick up multiple times. The women dressed in saris trying to go down the escalator but constantly failing and holding up loads of people was sheer entertainment for me. It brought a smile to my face each time I saw a new woman have her try. It was here modern India and the rest of her people mixed.
I can confidently tell you that God knows me well and loves me much. Oh, God knows me sooo well. There are more gardens than I can count on this campus. Everywhere I look, there are the MOST beautiful flowers ever. They aren’t your ordinary rose bushes, or other plain flowers, but they are the most beautiful, colorful, exotic flowers. My gaze is constantly fixed on the beautiful flowers that I pass as I walk. It is a constant reminder that God loves me.
Three times a day is like my most dreaded time of my sophomore year of High School when I first moved to Colorado-LUNCH. You know when you don’t have any friends-well, I didn’t, and you scan the cafeteria and wonder which batch of people you might try to sit with? It’s not so bad. It’s good that God has grown in me and I am not that shy sophomore anymore. I like it actually. I look around the cafeteria and wonder which group of girls I will meet today. It’s a hit or miss. Some meals I sit with girls who don’t speak English, and the conversation goes nowhere. Eating with strangers is a humbling experience. I feel like a fool as it takes me much longer than everyone else to finish my meal, as I have not perfected the hand shovel. Thankfully two groups have told me they really appreciate me eating their way. There is a group of 5 women from Bangalore and Kerala who are here for a VBS training camp and I have shared a few meals with them. They are in their 50’s probably and have the sweetest spirits. They were my first friends who welcomed me here. My most blessed meal was last night when I sat with three girls and found they were Masters of Divinity students who speak excellent English. I pray and hope I will remember their faces and be able to continue a friendship with them. When I do have the opportunity to talk with some girls, it always turns out so positive. I see their deep trust in God being in control of their lives. They confidently look up at the sky and tell me that God is in control. It has blessed me so much.
Another woman I have been so blessed by is Vanita, my coworker. We have spent the last two days sorting through Barbies (don’t ever send Barbie to India, they are far too scandalous. My other coworker Annimma told me that she did not want to teach such ways to the children), books, Matt and Creighton’s counting books, and whatever America has chosen to send to India. Some of the things we sort through is such junk. Toys we have no idea how to use, the Guiness Book of World Records 1985, or “How to prepare yourself for a roadtrip with your teenager”. Vanita and Annimma are so thankful for each item though. Their tender spirit of gratitude is so contagious. Throughout the day I hear Vanita speaking with God. “Lord help me sort through these books” “Give me the discernment to know how to sort these” “Oh Lord thank you for all these things”. It is the most precious and beautiful thing. We pray all the time. We pray when we begin the day, they stop and pray for people passing by, there is never a bad time to pray.
It’s only my third day here, but I feel God has taught me so much. I feel SO blessed to be here and so fortunate to have this experience. I also am so thankful for my time in the desert. After going through that quite difficult time, I have such a deeper appreciation for everything. I hope I never lose that. I am just so thankful for everything.
Slow down, smell the beautiful flowers. Live for the moment. Cherish the life you have been given. Thank the Lord for all things.